This is a personal story about Burnout.
What exactly is Burnout?
Burnout is a state of physical and emotional exhaustion. It can occur when you experience long-term stress in your job, or when you have worked in a physically or emotionally draining role for a long time.
https://mentalhealth-uk.org/burnout/
The important detail here, is that burnout is due to long-term stress. It’s often related to work. But stress is something that piles up on a person from different sources until eventually something has to give. Family, money, work, friends, life.
I experienced Burnout in 2018. Well to be honest, that was when I sought help.
This was something that actually took a few years to bubble away and consume me. But it wasn’t until 2018 that I really knew I needed to change some things.
So what led up to Burnout?
I was having a stressful time in my personal life. I was unsure about my career, and I was also providing for my family, so felt trapped - very trapped. Our daughter was around 2.5 years when my son was born. I was already feeling the stress of sleepless nights, and the pressure of providing. After my son was born, my wife wanted to go back to work but she suffered from some health issues. Her new job was very demanding, she was struggling too - she had a very hard job helping people with mental health issues, but she didn’t have the support she needed from her employer. She burned out before I did.
With my wife off work, and the constant sleepless nights due to our son not being a good sleeper (he still isn’t) - I was struggling with work. I was struggling with home life. I was struggling with friends and family. I was struggling. But I didn’t know how to tell people.
This went on for 3 or so years. I made mistakes in my career, I made silly decisions that were born out of panic, fear and anxiety. My thoughts were all over the place and I was not in a good place at all. I started to have panic attacks. These were on trains during my commute. Whilst I was driving and even during meetings and presentations.
Things, to me, were bad. Then I got physically sick. I developed Pneumonia and that put me out of action for a couple of weeks. Being so physically ill put me in a really dark place, and it was then I knew I needed to seek help. And that’s what turned things around.
I was fortunate enough to have the means to go and get counseling without needing to rely on a referral from a GP. This meant I could get help quickly. It wasn’t until I started to have talking therapy that I realised what was happening to me. I had severe anxiety - to the point where the counselor was very concerned. Over time I was able to start to develop coping mechanisms to stop the panic attacks, to reduce the noise in my mind and to get into a calmer space so that I could focus on actually healing. I also took some drastic action around work, and altered what I was doing so that I at least could gain some control of that aspect of my life. I also started to open up more to people around me, letting them know if I wasn’t feeling right or that I needed sometime to process something.
This has taken time, and I will be honest - I’m still on the road to recovery. One of the things that affected me was the panic attacks while driving, this has meant that I am recovering the ability for me to actually drive on motorways again. This is problematic, and causes additional stress in my life. So I’m still not there yet (where ever there might be). BUT I am getting there, taking little steps.
One thing that I wasn’t aware of until relatively recently, and after this episode - was of how my undiagnosed Dyslexia in-itself has underlying anxiety and depression attached to it and this certainly has been a factor when I reflect on my past.
I know where burnout took me and I’m always vigilant on making sure I don’t end up there again. I try to keep an eye out for friends and colleagues to see if I can see the signs in them, to offer an ear or just a supporting hand.
For many of us, the work we do shouldn’t be causing us burnout, it shouldn’t be a factor - but the reality is we spend the majority of our time “working” that it’s hard to not allow the stresses and strains get to you.
So be kind to people around you, you don’t know what they’re going through.
Takes a special human being to open up like this, in public, with the obvious intent of helping others who struggle with similar challenges. This stuff is real, very real.
Graham, thanks for writing this. It resonates deeply with me: https://hagakure.substack.com/p/twh39-rebooting
I wish you the very best, my friend, and that you continue taking steps towards peace of mind. 🙏